Midnight Meltdowns

The Queen of Midnight Meltdowns, at your service.

Hi friends, I have a couple of medical updates AND a fun surprise to discuss. But first, I have some other things to get through, so bear with me.

I’ve been thinking, why are things so much scarier at night? Am I the only one who experiences this on the reg? Allow me to elaborate. Last night was going smoothly and felt pretty normal overall, (all things considered). My friend Julie brought over dinner and Mark and I enjoyed a nice meal together. I like to watch TV while I get sleepy in the evening, so I was indulging in a vintage Bachelor season they are airing right now since the show is delayed (#RONA). (Side note-my husband is a saint for even pretending to watch that with me). Anyway, around midnight I woke up physically sweating. I had a dream about dying and where we go when our time on earth is up…..and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I won’t get into the details of the dream because that isn’t beneficial to anyone. In a nutshell, I had a midnight meltdown. A FULL. BLOWN. MELTDOWN. Crying, gasping for breath, and truly scared sh#tless. Mark just hugged me and assured me that we were going to fight this and we were not accepting defeat, not by a long shot. He told me not to let doubt creep into my mind. He reminded me that we have a team of doctors, friends, and family fighting with us. We prayed together and asked God to guide our doctors and to heal me….and to give me peace while I waited to start treatment. I started to calm down and then realized that I was still sweating. I went to the thermostat and boom. The AC was out. LOVELY. I told Mark the AC wasn’t working and we couldn’t help but chuckle. He looked at me and with a smile said “oh well that’s wonderful news!” It sounds silly, but sometimes just laughing at a situation helps relieve the tension.

Last night’s midnight meltdown reminded me that when doubt starts to creep in, I have to stay positive……otherwise my mind will go to a dark place. I’m sharing this on the blog because if there is someone reading this that can relate…..you aren’t alone. However, the point is, that isn’t a choice I need to make today….or tomorrow…..and not for a long time hopefully. One of my devotionals reminded me that days are divided into 24 hour segments for a reason. I can’t let myself get caught up in tomorrow’s worry. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

With that being said, I do have a couple of updates on the medical front (which may have contributed to the aforementioned meltdown). The doctors are fairly certain that the spots on my lungs are likely cancer, the technical term being “evidence of further metastasis” (the spots were not on my pervious scans.) Apparently, they could have been there for awhile but just now are big enough to show up on a scan. The doctors explained that a CT scan is “sliced” in to 5mm segments. The spots on my lungs (they will not give me a number which isn’t exactly encouraging) range from 1mm-5mm, so they are very small. All I’ve heard is that they are “splattered all over”. The treatment won’t change, so I need to focus on that. In addition, part of the results came back for my liver biopsy. The sample they took is still triple negative (what we expected) and had a 50% “prolific index”. I don’t know if I really want or need to know the ramifications of that number, other than it’s spreading fast. GRRRRREAT. The good news is that I hear the kinds of cancer cells that are dividing rapidly are sometimes more responsive to chemo. That’s the prayer request de jour ladies and gentlemen …..that this cancer WILL respond to the chemo I will be getting on September 17th. (They had to push my start date back one day). I believe another reason for the meltdown is because I want to start chemo NOW. As in, RIGHT NOW. I called today and tried to “full court press” my way into chemo this week ….to no avail. I was dumbfounded I could not talk my way into this. Unbelievable. Just give me the poison people! All of the doctors are telling me 5 days isn’t going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things and we need to begin when they can care for me properly and start the clinical trial correctly (getting a hearing test and echocardiogram first), etc. Apparently there is a lot of “supportive care” that goes along with a chemo regimen like this. It’s just hard to not be doing ANYTHING to fight this cancer for another week. I’m picturing the cancer cells having a rave inside my liver and lungs and NO ONE is wearing a mask. Rude. Irresponsible. BUT, I’m going to look on the bright side. I can’t do anything about the timing (even though I tried). So, I need to pack my things, and enjoy this time. I’ll be sick for awhile, so I need to enjoy not being sick right now. That’s my homework assignment…. for myself.

Now that I have that out of the way….on a MUCH lighter and more fabulous note, I was reminded yesterday JUST how much my friends love me. I really can’t get over it. I have people in my life that would do ANYTHING to make this cancer go away. My friend Sarah actually said she’d “drink after rats if it cured me.” (I can always count on Sarah for a wonderfully illustrative example of her devotion to me.) Anyway, my friends Meg and Eric FaceTimed me last night (which isn’t unusual since they live in Orlando and we like to catch up regularly). They told me they sent a video to Mark’s phone they wanted us to watch (again, not unusual….. I figured it was something funny or perhaps embarrassing footage of friends) 😉 When Mark clicked on the video for us to watch….I couldn’t believe it. (Some people may not get this……but the people who get it….will REALLY get it).

LOOK. AT. THIS. (Insert me shrieking right about now)

Icon.

THIS WOMAN IS AN ICON. No seriously. My friends KNOW how much I love Lisa Vanderpump. (For real……she is the QUEEN). I can’t. It’s just so wonderful. (Btw this is a MUCH more enjoyable type of meltdown). I’ve said it before, but something like this is another example of why I’m so lucky. Because I have people in my life that love me and would go to so much trouble just to make me smile. (….and you know what, despite the not so good news lately…..I’m still smiling).🤍

Keep the prayers coming friends…..we’ve got a long way to go, but I know we’re up for the challenge. As Dorinda Medley wisely noted on RHONY last week “winning, starts in your mind.”

Xo

⭐️Holly Hollis Stars⭐️

P.S. Lisa, I’m available for lunch anytime. I’ll bring the Rosé.

17 thoughts on “Midnight Meltdowns

  1. You are so right! I don’t understand it either but my mama always said “please don’t tell me bad news at night!” Still praying hard for you, for Mark and your team of doctors! Love you! Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Holly, you do just have to laugh at your A/C going out in the dead heat of summer in Louisiana. I know you’re going to be out of town a lot and may have some dietary needs but Christian and I would really like to cook some things for you and Mark. Will text you this week to suggest a few things. I know I probably won’t see you at the gym for a while so I will do extra splats for you. Lots of love and prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Holly, so sorry about your rough night, but to my way of thinking, who you are is a Queen of Brave Hearts! Borrowing some words from Mark Twain: “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear”. You possess a most courageous heart and such a beautiful spirit! Hope that the energy of love from so many people who are carrying you in our hearts and in our prayers will help empower you as continue the fight! Onward! Love & heart hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Holly, I love how you turn your not so great circumstance into positivity. You make me proud everyday, sweet daughter. It’s good to focus on some good things during these tough times. How wonderful and heart felt the video is from Lisa Vanderpump. Your friends really do go the extra extra mile for you! My bags are packed and I am ready to go to KC. Let’s kick some Cancer’s butt. Love, Mom

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Holly, I’m late to the table as I have just recently learned of this journey you find yourself traveling. My prayers are with you, for you, and in agreement with you and so many others. Thank you for allowing us to join you and keeping us updated through these blogs. Much love and prayers!
    ❤️ Melinda St John Yocum (your babysitter from way back in the days 😉)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Holly and Mark, We are keeping you in our thoughts and our prayers! Please know that there are so many prayers bombarding Heaven on your behalf! Thank you for this blog that will keep us in touch with you and your treatment.
    We are praying for your team of doctors, as well. Stay strong ! Keep looking forward and upward toward our loving God.
    We love you! Jean Albarado (Stacie deBlieux’s momma)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Holly I have never met you but my prayer group in Shreveport prays faithfully. I have come to know your mom and see her love for you. Prayers, love and never ending hope Kay

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Your midnight meltdown is so relatable. I literally keep a little battery operated temperature gauge on my bedside table since starting tamoxifen for this very same reason. I got punked one too many times by my A/C the exact same way. 😂 Meanwhile, I could not agree more that a good genuine belly laugh, even if that laugh is at yourself or a bit of gallows humor, is hands down the best way I have found to kind-of come up for air and reset. Sometimes you’ve got to let a little pressure out of the tires. I have been reading your recent posts and just love how open and real you are in your posts. You are helping so many others. Beautiful! I am praying for you big my friend. Keep your crown on queen! You are ready! Go kick some cancer a**!!!! 💗

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Holly we have you covered in prayer from Washington, Oregon, California, Colorado, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Missouri, Virginia, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina and I have asked friends in those states to add you to prayer list across the Nation. God is great and I pray each day for you to be cancer free and have many many years with Mark. Praying during your chemo for minimal side effects.🙏🙏

    Liked by 1 person

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