Hi friends, Just wanted to update everyone on my scans this week. The video below pretty much sums it up. Basically, two of my liver lesions grew in size while on the “maintenance” chemo (essentially the experimental part of the trial). So now we know that the maintenance will not work for me. When my oncologist walked into the room and said “we need to change up your medication”, I knew what that meant. In the moment it felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. Since I heard about this trial, I had hope that I could feel better and lead a more normal existence. It felt like all of that hope was taken from me in a 3 minute conversation with my oncologist. In reality, that isn’t the mindset I NEED to keep fighting. I have to remind myself that there is always a reason to hope, and things could always be worse. I just HATE the nausea and throwing up. But, if that’s what it takes to be here, then that is what I will do!
This isn’t the news we wanted by any means. I was feeling so good on the maintenance chemo, I was hoping to be able to stay on that regimen for a year or two so that during those years someone could find a cure for stage IV TNBC . But, it is what it is. It’s not something I can control. So, as of this week I was put back on the 3 drug regimen which includes Cisplatin (aka- very rough stuff).
The silver lining is that the regimen I’m now on was working for me in the past before I was on maintenance. So hopefully it will continue to work for me as long as possible. I don’t know how many cycles of cisplatin one human can take (my doc mentioned a patient being on cisplatin for 10 cycles which she seemed to be hinting that 10 cycles was a lot). I’ve already had 6 cycles of cisplatin. Regardless, I’m doing my best to stay in the present, and letting God take the lead on my future. Worrying about tomorrow isn’t what God has prescribed for me. That’s something I have to continue to work on.
On a lighter note, Mark’s parents are fully vaccinated (yay for vaccinations!) They are here in Kansas City with us this week helping out. We haven’t been able to see them since Covid turned the world upside down. It’s been comforting to have them here. I’m lucky I have such supportive in-laws. (Btw- just the word in-laws makes me feel grown up….why is that?)😉
In other news, today (March 26th) is the one year anniversary of my dad’s passing. It’s hard to believe that I haven’t talked to him in a year. My whole life we talked almost every day. I miss him so much and there are so many things I want to ask him. Part of me is a little relieved he doesn’t have to live through the disappointment of my cancer returning (I was still in remission at this time last year). That probably sounds terrible, but I just mean that he loved me so deeply, I know my diagnosis hurt his heart. He hated seeing me sick. I’ve only blogged about this once because it is painful to talk about. However, the truth is (for those who aren’t in the loop) a year ago today I got a knock on my front door in the middle of the night. (Just like it happens in the movies), a police officer was standing at my door and asked that I sit down. When the police officer told Mark and I that my dad had taken his own life that night, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had just FaceTimed Dad the day before. He was smiling and seemed totally fine. Suicide is a very complex set of emotions to deal with. But, I’ve never been angry with my dad about it. I just miss him terribly. I do know he’s in a good place now and watching over me. That helps some.
A couple of weeks ago I was writing what we wanted to be on dad’s monument stone. I kept praying and asking for a sign. Oddly enough that week my sister and aunt heard the instrumental version of “Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis (that’s the song Dad walked me down the isle to). The next day I was in a parking lot and there was a real string quartet playing that song. I like to think that’s a little sign from dad 🙂
Anyway, that being said, I’m going to cut this blog short since I’m not feeling well. Thank you so much for all of the prayers! Please keep them coming. I know God has a plan for my life, and I just need to show up and do my best, one day at a time.
⭐️Holly Hollis Stars⭐️